Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

This dude got his own movie?

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.