Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job

Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman