Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#Caturday

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

When can I start eating bats again.

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

The French cow says MEUX…

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?