“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
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Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
It will always be this
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.