“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
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DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Bike is short for Bichael.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
