Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

How do horror writers compete with current events?

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

She was rare, like a goth jogging

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

theres been a horrible success at the accident factory

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

as is their right

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

What about a To-Don’t List?

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

Alexa: *deep breath*

WHAT DO WE WANT!?

A forum for passive aggressive behavior!

WHEN do we want it?

NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry