Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
You Might Also Like
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?