Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

Beards are a privilege, not a right

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.