Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭

Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.