Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
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fourth time’s the charm
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
taking June’s advice to heart
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.