Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
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Me: i’ll have a beer
Bartender: ok it’s on the house buddy
Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i’m not climbing up there again
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
HI I SPIT GUM OUT OF MY CAR ON THE FREEWAY AND IT BLEW BACK IN MY EAR
911: Sir, u need to pull over
911: Use your other ear, sir
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty