Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?

It fired boohlets.

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks