Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
You Might Also Like
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami