Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
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Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
She might be a genius
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
My teenage children choosing violence
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
*sewing*
A thread