Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

[God making bears]

God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging

Angel: Aww

God: Hugs that will kill people

Angel: Wtf?!

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok