Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”

*leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.