Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
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When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.