Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]

*extreme rat noises*

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee