Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5