Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

When taking your driving test:

1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”