Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes