Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
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[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
