Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

Always leave them wanting their money back.

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?