Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
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“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Whoever said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” has clearly never tried cheese.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!