Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
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Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks![]()
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the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now