Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler