Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.