Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
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No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Discuss
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.