Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
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Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”