Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
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“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us