I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
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I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
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