Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
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me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven