Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
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Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.