leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
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The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.