leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
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Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.