Leonardo DiCaprisun
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“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*
My husband: why are you taking notes
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.