Leonardo DiCaprisun
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Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.