Leonardo DiCaprisun
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I swear some people should be banned from cooking
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
girls literally only want one thing..
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.