Leonardo DiCaprisun
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I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I’m too immature for adultery.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did