Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures