Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

ㅤ

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb