Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
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[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
for all #parents out there
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”