Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
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Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Just got to our Airbnb!
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[on my way back to the posting caves]
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5