*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
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When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Okay this one takes it home
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several