*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
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When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
What fresh Hell is this?!?
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.