*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
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I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
water it, i dare you
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way