*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
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Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Bit chilly again tonight.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.