*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

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Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently


corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”


The look on my husbands face while watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial tells me exactly where all my catalogs went.


When I tell people I don’t speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home


[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor


Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.


Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.