put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
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Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
GOLDFISH: i swear i’ll have your money by tomorrow
GOLDFISH MOBSTER: what money?
GOLDFISH: who are you?
GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where’s my mon
Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?
*Leaps into garbage compactor*
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.
*date leans in* Tell me something I don’t know about you.
*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.