@KattsDogma

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

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@Kristen_Arnett

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

@beefman138

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

@trojansauce

GOLDFISH: i swear i’ll have your money by tomorrow

GOLDFISH MOBSTER: what money?

GOLDFISH: who are you?

GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where’s my mon

@Parentpains

Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?

*Leaps into garbage compactor*

@chelliet22

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

@zero3_benz

You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

@MavenofHonor

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.

@pinupteacher

*date leans in* Tell me something I don’t know about you.

*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.