Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
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When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
This might be me.
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[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?