Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
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Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again