lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
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My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.