Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞

if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

I’m giving up for Lent.

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?

[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]

Me: I have no idea.

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision