lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
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The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.