lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
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WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit