Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
You Might Also Like
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
Are you ok, human???
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
You know I’m something of a chef myself
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
