Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
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GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Fat chances are my favorite chances
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
💀💀
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???