Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
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The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.