Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
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Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Day 2 of my diet
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Emma is smarter than all of us.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use