Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
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lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
we’re dead?
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
found this cool rock hiking today
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”