Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

[Job interview]

employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!

me: I hope that’s ok-

emp: when can he start?

me: WHAT?!

cat: meow

emp: great!

me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

this was very charming

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out