Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.