Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
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Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet