Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.