Lessons I can learn from my cat.
1.) Never take the first no!
2.) If there’s an obstacle in your path, try a different approach.
3.) Being inquisitive often yields rewards.
4.) Rest is imperative!
5.) If someone is doing something you don’t approve of, bite them.

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Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily


I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.


My fortune cookie:

“Like a hair on a bar of soap, you’re likely harmless, but regarded as disgusting and nobody likes you…”


I would walk 500 miles just to be the man who gets to eat these donuts.


[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]


My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.


BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one


[at the gym]

Me: what does this machine do?

“Sir, that’s a bench.”

Me: perfect.