My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
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Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Based Erika
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Yes, this is exactly right
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium