Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
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I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂