Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
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my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.