@theshamingofjay

Let he who is without selfie cast the first stone

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@EndhooS

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

@CallMeMrBigs

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

@iGreenMonk

When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, “No, thanks. I’m vegetarian.”

@Zombieionism

Apples greatest success is convincing the world they need a new phone, to replace the one you aren’t making phone calls on, every year.

@EvilSchwartzie

In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY.
My best time so far is 7 min.

@JamieDMJ

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

@caithuls

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

@UnFitz

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.