Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

haha same

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.