Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

🤷‍♀️

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story