Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.