Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.