Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
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[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Roombas should bark
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
This meal prepping shit easy
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*