Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.