@That_Damn_Duck

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

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@ChrisStokdyk

Do you ever wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say, “My God, I look like a pillow” ? If so, that’s not a mirror – it’s your pillow.

@notalogin

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

@TheAlexNevil

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

@shay_bayla

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

@FredTaming

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

@HomeWithPeanut

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

@sarcasticmommy4

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

@preawsaurus

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

@karanbirtinna

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.