Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
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You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Haha good job!!
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*