Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

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Do you ever wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say, “My God, I look like a pillow” ? If so, that’s not a mirror – it’s your pillow.


*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!


Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.


I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread


3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.


waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]


Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”


One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.


it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.


When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.