Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
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Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
wtf is a larm clock?
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.