Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
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Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
White parent Vs Arab parents
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I’ve had relationships like this
