Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.