Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
The Assassin.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
This is my favorite one of these!
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down