Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

it must be school picture day

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

Me: have a great eye for detail

Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead